Going through a divorce when you have children?
If so, you know how tough it can be. Coping with the emotional fallout of a relationship breakdown, whilst trying to shield your children from conflict and fallout is incredibly hard.
Not least because most parents don’t know the ins and outs of how the divorce ancillary relief process works. They don’t know how the courts arrive at their decisions, and the legal principles that guide the court in these decisions when it comes to the practical arrangements for raising children after a relationship breaks down.
The good news is that it is never too late to learn. Once you know how to approach this process, you can make decisions and create practical arrangements for your children that truly work, and which set them up for stability and success in the long run.
In this guide, we’ll cover:
- Ancillary relief for parents – what you need to know.
- Divorce custody considerations that matter.
- Financial child support and maintenance.
- How to create ancillary arrangements that last.
What Is Ancillary Relief (And Why Parents Need To Know)?
When couples divorce, ancillary relief proceedings sort out the financial and practical arrangements they need to make as they separate and begin to live independently of each other.
This process becomes even more important for parents. Because in addition to dealing with the legal principles involved with financial arrangements…
Ancillary relief decisions are also what sets up the practical day-to-day arrangements for how your children are cared for after your divorce.
From child maintenance payments to residence, and decisions around who is responsible for your children’s education, healthcare and other aspects of their welfare. This isn’t the small print. This is what your children’s long-term stability is built on.
Here’s something else that most parents don’t realise: Approximately 70% of divorces with children involve contested issues around custody and visitation. In other words, most families struggle with these very same issues at some point during their divorce.
If you’re finding the ancillary relief process overwhelming, you’re not alone.
The Two Parts of Ancillary Relief That Impact Your Children
When it comes to ancillary relief for parents and the legal decisions that impact your children’s day to day care, there are two main elements to understand.
Financial Arrangements
The first deals with the financial arrangements between parents. Child maintenance, which parent is responsible for what child-related expenses, and how will costs be split or contributed towards for items like school fees or medical bills. The courts look to ensure that both parents make a fair financial contribution according to their means and circumstances.
Financial arrangements also dictate whether one parent can remain in the family home with the children, or if it needs to be sold. These financial orders will impact every aspect of your children’s day to day life.
Residence and Contact
This refers to where your children will live, and how much time they will spend with each parent. This is sometimes called “residence” and “contact” in legal terms – who the children live with primarily, and how often they spend time with the other parent.
The only consideration for the courts here is the best interests of the children. Not what is most convenient for parents. Not who “deserves” more time because of past behaviour. Just what works best for the children.
Child Custody: What the Court REALLY Considers
Here’s the deal on custody decisions…
Courts prioritise which parent can provide the most stable, loving and nurturing environment. Judges making ancillary relief orders about residence and contact consider the children’s physical and emotional needs, how the children will be affected by any changes to their current situation, the age and background of each child and how capable each parent is of meeting those needs.
Want to know what usually happens in custody decisions? In the majority of cases, mothers still receive primary custody – approximately 80% of custodial parents are mothers. But this doesn’t mean fathers can’t gain custody or substantial parenting time. Shared parenting orders are becoming much more common when parents can cooperate and work together.
Financial Support: More Than Just Maintenance
Child maintenance is the obvious piece. One parent will pay regular maintenance to help with the living costs of the children. But the courts will also consider things like school uniforms, extra-curricular activities, medical expenses, childcare costs and any additional needs support.
This amount is calculated according to the income of the parent who pays maintenance, the number of children and the amount of time the children spend with each parent.
For many families, the marital home is the most valuable asset. In divorces where children are involved, courts often prefer to keep the children in a stable living arrangement. This often means one parent remains in the family home with the children, at least until they are older.
Creating Parenting Arrangements That Work
Secret to successful co-parenting after divorce?
Good, clear and detailed arrangements that both parents can actually live by. Vague agreements like “reasonable contact” and “access at weekends” sound amicable. But they are agreements that are ripe for arguments later.
Your ancillary relief order should state clearly the residence arrangements, contact schedules with exact days and times included, arrangements for school holidays and who is responsible for making major decisions about education, healthcare and religion for the children.
Be as specific as you can, to avoid arguments later. But these arrangements should be specific enough to prevent disputes, yet have some flexibility built in to accommodate real life. Children get ill, work schedules change, school trips and activities come up. Build in as much flexibility as you can, within clear boundaries both parents respect.
Common Mistakes Parents Make
If we’re honest, there are some mistakes that keep getting made over and over again.
Children as bargaining chips: Some parents try to bargain with custody. Don’t. The court sees through it and it harms your children.
Fight over principle, not practicality: Want to win? Often you lose sight of what works and what doesn’t.
Children’s need for stability: Constant moving between homes is exhausting for children. Too much upheaval isn’t good for them.
Documenting agreements: Get agreements in writing and properly recorded. Informal agreements often fall apart over time.
Putting Your Children First (Even When It Hurts)
One thing that nobody talks about when it comes to divorce with kids…
Doing the right thing for your children often involves swallowing your pride, and being prepared to work with someone you’d rather not see again. Research shows that children cope much better with divorce when their parents can cooperate, even if only as professional co-parents. They don’t have to be friends with their ex-spouse. But parents do need to put their children’s needs first.
Not talking badly about the other parent, sticking to the arrangements even when they are inconvenient, being flexible when necessary and communicating clearly with each other about the children’s needs. The ancillary relief process provides the legal framework for making the practical arrangements for children work after divorce. But implementing them requires commitment from both parents.
Final Thoughts on Getting This Right
Divorce ancillary relief for parents is not just paperwork. This is about creating the foundation that allows your children to thrive, despite their parents’ decision to go their separate ways.
The decisions you make now will impact your children for years to come. Where they live and how often they see each parent, how their education is funded, who they live with. All of these things matter.
So take the time to get it right. Talk to a solicitor early, so you fully understand the process and your options, and don’t make the same mistakes many others do.
Your children didn’t choose this situation. But with the right ancillary relief arrangements, you can at least minimise the disruption to their lives, and set them up for success as best you can.